Freelancer Parody Part 2

__Freelancer Part 2__

- Trent walks to where he parked his ship. He sees Lonnigan snooping about.

Trent: Lonnigan? Is that you? I thought you were in Medical, having your pocket picked.

Lonnigan: You think you’re safe, but you’re not!

Trent: Why should I think I’m safe? I don’t think I’m safe. I never said I thought I was safe. Mind your own business!

Lonnigan: What do you think happened on Freeport 7, huh?

Trent: Not the foggiest, mate. But I know you owe me money, so why don’t you just...

Lonnigan: D-oh... easy come, easy go.

Trent: No. No, no, no, no.

Lonnigan: Yes, yes, yes.

Trent: No, no, no.

Lonnigan: Yes, yes, yes.

Trent: No, no, no. We had a deal.

Lonnigan (in an intense voice): A deal that died with the station.

Trent: What's with that strange voice? Are you trying to hypnotize me or something?

Lonnigan: (Continues in normal voice) That all seems so long ago now. (He plays air accordion behind his head.) Doesn’t matter anyway. They want us all dead.

Trent: Who wants us all dead?

Lonnigan: Those guys over there!

- Sinister Guys appear out of nowhere, and shoot Lonnigan.

Trent: This deal's getting worse all the time.

- Sinister Guys walk up to Trent.

Trent (to Sinister Guys): Ya know, that guy owed me money! What do you think you're doing? How did you just materialize at the critical moment like that? What’s going on? What are today's lottery numbers? Who are you?

Sinister Guy: I wouldn't care even if that guy owed you a _star system_. We won't tell you what we're doing, it's a secret. We can materialize like that because we're made of polygons. What is going on does not concern you. Today's lottery numbers are 2-5-14-8-5-1-12-4-19. We’re the bad guys ... I mean, we’re the police.

Trent: Let’s see some ID.

Sinister Guy (knocks Trent out): ...boring conversation, anyway.


- A while later. Juni throws a bucket of ice water over Trent’s head.

Trent: Hey!

King: You look terrible.

Trent: You’re no oil painting, yourself.

Juni: What happened?

Trent: Two Sinister Guys. They jumped me. Oh... my chest... (clutches at chest)

King: That’s not very convincing. What you mean to say is, you have a massive hangover from one Liberty Ale too many.

Trent: What are you talking about? _One_ Liberty Ale is one Liberty Ale too many. Give me a Sidewinder Fang any day. By the way, where's Lonnigan?

Juni: Lonnigan? Who's Lonnigan?

Trent: They must have taken him.

Juni: Trent, pull yourself together. Remember Ashcroft, and the mission!

Trent: Yeah...

King: You'll be fine. (Hits Trent unconscious.) Oops.

Juni: Good work. Quick, before he wakes up, get him in his fighter and launch. We don't need any more delays.

- Camera angle shifts. The Mean-Looking Dude from before surveys the scene while Trent (who is still unconscious) and King launch. The Mean-Looking Dude takes a miniature purple Easter egg out of his pocket and looks at it for a while. JPEG artifacts are visibly floating about in the air near the Easter egg. Then he lights a cigarette, and takes a deep pull.

Mean-Looking Dude: Yuck, ewww, _sick_! What brand is _this_?! (Throws whole cigarette away, and leaves in disgust.)

Cop (sees cigarette): Hey, you! Mean-Looking Dude! No littering!

Mean-Looking Dude: Uh, oh. (Runs away, with cop following.)


- In space above Planet Manhattan. Trent and King leave the docking ring.

Trent (wakes up): Where am I? What's going on? Aaaarrgghh! I'm in _space_!

King (changes the subject): So what was going on down there? Who's Lonnigan?

Trent: I met him on Freeport 7. We'd just signed a deal when the station was attacked. He was injured, and has been in Medical ever since, with a corrupt surgeon stealing all his loose change. I've been waiting for him to be released to get my money back.

King: And? What did he say?

Trent: Nothing about the money. He said that some Sinister Guys were after him. I thought he'd lost it, ...

King: Lost what? The money? The Sinister Guys? His mind?

Trent: The last one... but then these two Sinister Guys appeared - literally - and shot him. Looks like he wasn't just paranoid. Ahh, I'm never getting paid. Goodbye, million credits.

King: Hold on, we're almost at the trade lane.

- They go through two trade lanes and reach a jump gate. A battleship is waiting for them.

Battleship: This is jump gate control on Battleship Unity. Please identify yourselfs.

King: Don't you mean 'yourselves'?

Battleship: Yes.

King: This is patrol Gamma Six on special LSF assignment.

Battleship: Oh, yes. Your name's on the list. Go on in.

- The jump gate opens, and King and Trent dock with it.

Battleship: Hey, wait! You didn't sign on the dotted...

- King and Trent jump out of the system.

Battleship (to itself): ...line.


- In the Colorado System.

Trent: Now what?

King: Now we wait for Ashcroft.

- A little while later.

Trent: There he is!

King: Unidentified ship: you are in violation of...

Unidentified Ship: I didn't do it, I didn't do it!

King: Oh, yeah? (Launches missiles at Unidentified Ship. They hit and explode.) Take that! And that! And that! And...

Unidentified Ship: All right! All right, already! Are you crazy?

King: Shaun Ashcroft, you are under arrest!

Unidentified Ship: I'm not Ashcroft, you jarhead! I'm really gonna have your butt!

King: What?

Unidentified Ship: I said: 'I'm not Ashcroft, you jarhead! I'm really gonna have your butt!'

King: Oh, didn't hear you the first time. Thanks.

Juni (over the comm): Oops. Bad information, sorry. Ashcroft isn't here, he's at Pueblo Station.

Unidentified Ship: The name is Cosmo-

King: I didn't ask for your opinion. You will speak when spoken to.

Unidentified Ship: You haven't heard the last of this...

King: I'm sorry to have to end this eminently stimulating conversation, but...

- King and Trent enter the trade lane to Pueblo Station. They travel for a while, and then leave the trade lane at Pueblo. It is surrounded by a few pirates.

King: Deer god.

Trent: Oh, so you're Native American?

King: Comanche. Anyway, let's kill the pirates.

- They shoot around at nothing in particular. The pirates kill themselves in shock and horror.

Pueblo: We saw some more pirates off in the David Copper Field, but they disappeared. We've tagged one of them. Are you picking up a signal?

King: Strong and clear. Thank you, Pueblo. They will pay for this. (Trent and King fly off.)

Pueblo (to itself): 'Strong and clear?' Who says _that_? Everyone knows it’s 'loud and clear!'

- King and Trent fly to Ashcroft.

King (to Trent): OK, you know what to do.

Trent: Shoot everything that moves?

King: Right on.

- So this is what they do. Eventually Ashcroft's ship is almost destroyed, when -

Ashcroft: Stop! You need me alive!

Trent: ... oh, okay. (He stops shooting.)

- Nothing happens for a while.

King: Trent, what are you doing? Shoot Ashcroft's ship!

Trent: But he told me not to!

King: ... you're a special kind of stupid, aren't ya?

- Trent huffs, but fires on Ashcroft's ship until it explodes and Ashcroft's escape pod is captured.

King: Let's go back to Manhattan. Juni's waiting.

Juni (over the comm): Did you get Ashcroft?

King: Yes.

Juni: You didn't bake him with garlic and chives, a drizzle of lemon juice and carrots julienne, did you? I remember last time...

King: Negative. He's in Trent's cargo hold. He desoirves woirse.

Juni: He what?

King: He desoirves woirse.

Juni: I don't know about that. Trent's cargo hold isn't a very nice place to be. He's got all _kinds_ of stuff in there... not all of them hygienic.

Trent: Hey!

King: Granted, but you know what I mean.

Juni: He'll get what he deserves, but not until he's told us everything we want to know.

King: Great! I've always wanted to know how you beat Level 4 of Episode 75 of 'N'...

Juni: Uh... gotta go now, see ya. (Closes comm frequency.)

- Trent and King are near the jump gate to Manhattan.

King: Go ahead and dock, Trent. Juni's waiting.

- They dock, and jump to Manhattan.


- In the Manhattan system.

Battleship: This is jump gate control on Battleship Unity. Please identify yourselfs.

King: I told you, you have to say 'yourselves'...

Battleship: That is not a valid response. Please listen carefully as the instructions are repeated. This is jump gate control on Battleship Unity. Please identify yourselfs. If you are an independent merchant, please press or say '1'. If you are a Bounty Hunter, please press or say '2'. If you are an LSF patrol, please press or say '3'. ...

King: Three.

Battleship: That is not a valid response. Please listen carefully as the instructions are repeated. This is jump gate control on Battleship Unity. Please identify yourselfs...

King: Three.

Battleship: That is not a valid response. Please listen carefully as the instructions are repeated. This is jump gate control on Battleship Unity...

King: Aaaaaaarrgghh!

Battleship: That is not a valid response. Please listen carefully...

- King and Trent, screaming with terror and frustration, dock with the trade lane to Fort Bush and fly away as quickly as possible.

Battleship (to itself): ...who says government jobs don't have perks?!


- Near Fort Bush. King and Trent exit the trade lane from the Colorado jump gate.

King: Okay, now all we need to do is to deliver Ashcroft to the Battleship Missouri. One more trade lane...

Trent: Shut up, idiot, you'll jinx it!

- Pirates suddenly appear and start shooting.

Trent: Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.

- The pirates, predictably, explode all by themselves.

Trent: OK, let's get to the Missouri.

King: Yeah. Juni's waiting.

- They enter the last trade lane. After a while, they arrive at the Missouri.

King: Go ahead and land, Trent. Juni's waiting.

Trent: Will you stop saying that?!

King: What? Juni's waiting?

Trent: Yes.

King: But she is waiting. It's the truth. Juni's waiting.

- Trent begins to dock with the Battleship Missouri.

King: Juni's waiting. (click) Juni's waiting. (click) Juni's waiting. (click) Juni's waiting...

Trent: I have a baaaad feeling about this...


- Trent gets out of his ship aboard the Missouri. Its interior resembles a French provencal restaurant. Trent goes to the head waiter.

Trent: Sorry, am I in the right place? I'm supposed to deliver a prisoner called Ashcroft.

Head Waiter: And 'oo would you be delivering zis prisoner to, Monsieur?

Trent: LSF Commander Jun'ko Zane.

Head Waiter: Ah, yes. _Juni's waiting_ on Table 7 tonight.

- Trent begins to laugh hysterically. Juni arrives.

Juni (to Head Waiter): Call all the waiters, will you?

Head Waiter: What is zis waiters, Madamoiselle?

Juni: You know, waiters? Male waitrons?

Head Waiter: Ah yes, ze male waitrons. You want 'elp wiz ze prisoner Ashcroft, correct?

Juni (nods): Yes.

Head Waiter: Zen I call ze Chef. 'Ee 'as a most excellent recipe for baked prisoner, wiz garlic and chives, a drizzle of lemon juice and a julienne of carrots...

Juni: Actually... I wanted to question him first.

Head Waiter (shrugs): 'Ave it your way, madamoiselle Zane. (Walks off muttering.)

Trent: Ahem.

Juni: Ahem?

Trent: Money.

Juni: Oh yes. I'm transferring the payment to you neural net, as well as those bonuses I promised you. (Listens) Oh, sorry. I have to go.

Trent: Where are you going?

Juni: Someone at Table 7 wants a napkin. _Again_.

Trent: I thought you were a waitress. Don't you do something else besides carry napkins?

Juni: I take orders too, Trent. (She leaves.)

Trent (leaning back against the wall): And so ends another quirky mission...